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Sex After Weight Loss Surgery

Now what?

The happy news about sexual behavior — and great sex — is that there is a huge difference between what's shown to us on screen and television and what actually makes for a happy and satisfying physical encounter. If you have reached the bedroom stage in your relationship, know that physical perfection has about as much to do with great sex as the paint color on your car does with how well it runs. In other words-it doesn't. Really and truly.

What does matter are "the two Cs" of good sex: confidence and communication.

Confidence: Sure, easier said than done. So make it easy on yourself! Lingerie can be a woman's best friend for that moment of truth. A beautiful teddy or a pretty camisole can be the wardrobe equivalent of a warm hug-and the "transitional object" you might need to get through the first time baring your soul-and your new body-to another person. And if you're a guy, get a great pair of boxers! You'd be surprised how much sexier and body confident you can feel when you're not standing around in low self esteem grayish underpants.

Now, does this mean you have to lie or pretend or avoid exposing who you "really are" to your new lover? Of course not. It just means: it's okay to take baby steps when doing the Big Reveal in a new relationship, particularly after WLS. Unless you're extremely kinky and work in a lab, it's unlikely the two of you will be examining one another under bright lights with microscopes. Lingerie, boxers or heck, even a new unisex leopard print bathrobe left open at strategic times can simply be the props that remind you sex is about play, not interrogation. Sexual nudity should not leave you feeling like you're getting on the witness stand. It should be fun.

Communication: You should never have to apologize or explain your body or your WLS before getting into bed. It should always be a treat and a privilege for your sexual partner to discover you. If he or she makes you feel you need orange traffic cones around yourself to warn people away, you're with the wrong person. That said, it's okay to share your fears. As a human being, you are always allowed to say, "I'm a little nervous!" or ask, "Can we take things slow?" Building a bridge between what you feel inside, and what you share with your partner, is the beginning of thunderclaps and lightning bolts, soul wrenching, "Gosh, I hope we're insured because we're going to blow the roof off this building" kind of sex.

But finally, one caveat. Unless you're channeling Ray Charles, please don't have sex in the dark. Besides increasing your risk for injury on the way to the bathroom afterwards, it's a confidence and communication cop out. Would you cook dinner with no lights on? Give yourself an opportunity to check out the utensils and ingredients for what you and your lover are making. Especially as WLSers, it's critical to never invite shame into your bedroom. We may all experience it as an unwelcome houseguest on occasion, but for heaven sakes, don't give it snacks.

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To learn more about WLS and sex, check out these titles from

Sexy at Any Size: The Real Woman's Guide To Dating and Romance

You Can Be Sexy at Any Size or Age!

Big Big Love: A Sourcebook on Sex for People of Size and Those Who Love Them

Setbacks: Meeting your Munchkins
Thai chicken and vegetable soup
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