You think you’ve found the one.
This time, it is going to work.
Then, something happens and things fall apart. You don’t feel seen or heard by the other person. You start to wonder if they even really love you.
Try as you might, you can’t seem to make them happy either. Are you just incompatible, or is there something else going on?
“You think you’re giving everything to this person,” said Jay Shetty in a recent episode of his podcast On Purpose with Jay Shetty. “You think you’ve gone above and beyond, but actually they’re looking at you like you don’t love them.”
Relationships take hard work and good communication. Shetty explained that one of the foundational exercises for achieving relational success is summed up really well in the book The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman.
In the book, Chapman explains what he believes to be the five love languages people use to relate with and show love to each other.(1) While all manner of love should be appreciated, Jay Shetty believes Chapman’s love language theory has a lot of merits and used it as an inspiration for this podcast episode. Here, Shetty lists and explains the love languages described in Chapman’s book. He encourages listeners to examine the love languages Chapman details, and think through what their own may be in order to more effectively love and feel the love from their partner.
“Real love is figuring out how someone wants to be loved and loving them in that way,” Jay Shetty said.
Love Language #1: Words of Affirmation
Chapman states that any form of words will do – written or spoken – to fill the “love tank”(2) of someone whose love language is words of affirmation. Words of encouragement, love, and affirmation speak deeply to a person with this love language. (3)
“Being really conscious and being active in our words of praise and recognition is really, really important to some of us,” said Jay Shetty.
Love Language #2: Physical Touch
Hugging, closeness, sitting together, holding hands, even a high five make a person whose love language is physical touch feel loved.
“Many of us actually feel the most loved when we’re hugged, when we’re embraced, and when we’re cared for physically,” said Jay Shetty.
Love Language #3: Receiving Gifts
People with this love language love meaningful gifts, regardless of size or price.
“A gift can mean many different things,” Shetty explained. “Understanding what a gift means to your partner is really, really important.”
Love Language #4: Quality Time
Quality time is focused, intentional time spent giving your partner attention. This includes active listening, quality eye contact, and conscious effort on appreciating and prioritizing the other person.
Jay Shetty added that a great way to nurture quality time is to, “Create a space where you can truly connect, free of anything that’s taking away your focus.”