I often see people in the anti-diet world attempting to convince folks to stop *wanting* to be thin, and roll my eyes.
If giving up the desire to be thin was that simple, people would just do it. Nobody is out here trying to be dissatisfied with their bodies, for goodness’ sake.
Here’s the thing. Telling someone to stop wanting something is not effective.
Imagine a toddler throwing a tantrum about wanting candy, and you try to convince them to stop wanting candy.
You might explain how the candy will rot their teeth, give them a bellyache, and keep them up all night. Maybe you make the argument that this particular kind of candy isn’t even very good. That kid is still gonna want the fucking candy.
It’s important to note here that if your ultimate goal was to get this child to stop throwing a tantrum, rather than to get them to stop wanting candy, you could be much more effective. You might offer the child something else to eat, distract them with a non-food-related activity, or have a discussion validating their feelings and offering tools for handling the discomfort that arises when we want something we can’t have.
Focusing on attempting to change behaviors will always be easier and more effective than attempting to change desires.
If you can understand why the above statement is true when it comes to a toddler who wants candy, then you can also understand why that’s true when it comes to body image.
My clients often come to me with the internal conflict of both wanting to accept their bodies, and wanting to lose weight or look different. If I attempted to convince them that they should stop wanting to lose weight or look different, all I would do is invalidate their current desires, which is likely to make them feel even more broken, lonely, and hard on themselves.
Instead of attempting to change the desire, we accept and embrace it; we validate the fact that given the culture we all live in, this desire makes perfect sense. Sometimes I help my client intellectually explore how their desire is based on lies (diet culture lies, patriarchal lies, white supremacist lies, etc.), but I don’t do that in an effort to convince her to stop wanting it. Instead, the focus is on bringing more clarity and conviction to the process of aligning their behaviors with their core values instead of their cultural conditioning.
After accepting the desire to lose weight or look different, and exploring some new information or education on where that desire comes from, we leave that desire completely alone. Then we focus on changing behaviors in order to move closer to the goal of body acceptance, confidence, and a fulfilling, meaningful, and joyful life.
