Many of my clients come to me harboring the belief that in order to find a partner (or keep a partner interested), you absolutely must be conventionally attractive.
The interesting paradox here is that they can all pretty much also admit that being valued only for how they look would make them feel objectified, and that in order to feel truly confident, their partner would have to see, value, and love them for who they are inside.
So let’s break this down for a moment, shall we?
What we all crave more than anything—and what we intuitively know we need in order to feel secure and confident in the world—is to be seen and valued and loved for our inner selves. And yet we go about trying to secure that exact thing by looking good enough on the outside that we capture the attention of someone who will… eventually go on to love us for who we are on the inside?
Oof.
Among my single clients, this particular line of thinking tends to circle around why they feel they have to control their body and appearance in order to gain access to dates, sex, attention, or a partner. The control behaviors they use include everything from diet and exercise to wearing makeup, sticking to elaborate anti-aging practice, dying hair, sucking in the belly, or posing in “flattering” ways.
I should clarify that the goal of these control behaviors is always to express themselves and “feel good” day to day, not only to look attractive… but there is very often an underlying pressure or anxiety that if they don’t do these things they’ll never attract the partner of their dreams. As a result, those behaviors can both feel empowering, and also make them feel trapped.
I’ve had clients tell me they desperately wish they could stop following their strict “food rules,” take rest days without guilt, stop spending so much time doing or checking their makeup, stop worrying so much about what they wear, or stop feeling so stressed about bad hair days or aging. But when I ask a client what she might need to feel safe/secure enough to, say, take more rest days away from the gym, or stop wearing mascara every day, the #1 answer I get from my single clients is that they would need to already have a partner who loves them for who they are.
Interestingly though, I often see even more body insecurity in my partnered clients. Not always, mind you. But often enough that it’s a pattern. Many people meet their partners while controlling their body/appearance in many of the aforementioned (and unsustainable) ways, and then struggle with major relationship insecurity once their body changes, or their partner has to see what they “really” look like naturally.
