If only I had more money… If only I had chosen that job instead of this job … If only I hadn’t done that or said that.
Each one of us has spent time in the land of if only. I lived there for years after my NFL career came to a halt long before I wanted it to. I told myself that if only I had made different decisions, and if only I hadn’t made certain mistakes, I would still be playing. I beat myself up for all those if only’s constantly.
I was so stuck in the world of what could have been that I locked myself out of the world of what is. But in time I realized that by choosing to dwell on all the if only’s, I couldn’t enjoy the present moment. And the present moment is where the miracles are, and the joys.
The more I could stay in the present, the better I felt, I realized. So I began to practice letting go of all those if only’s — and that’s when my whole world changed for the better.
Here are 4 proven ways to help you let go of your if only’s:
1. Let the past go and forgive yourself.
It’s easy to look back and say I shouldn’t have done that, or, I should have done this instead, or, how did I not know any better? My football career ended prematurely due to injuries caused by overtraining, which I blamed myself for. I was so hard on myself for training too much. But there is a Zen proverb: “Let go or be dragged.” For too long, I allowed myself to be dragged by my mind.
Regret is a waste of time, however: living with it blocks us from enjoying all the precious moments surrounding us right now. It’s fine to reflect on an if only and learn from it, but you need to be able to forgive yourself, remind yourself that you made the best decision you could at the time, and move on.
Action Item: Forgiveness meditation.
Forgive yourself for your past decisions with a daily meditation. Sit comfortably and close your eyes. Take a deep breath in and then gently let it go. Breathe naturally and softly. Let your shoulder blades relax. Soften your face. Bring your attention to the area of your heart. Feel in your heart any emotions inside you because you have not forgiven yourself. Continue to breathe softly.
Now, picture the times and ways that you have hurt yourself, and give yourself permission to forgive yourself for them. Feel your heart filling with forgiveness, ease, and warmth. Focus on forgiving yourself for everything, wholeheartedly. Then extend that forgiveness for each time you hurt yourself, one by one. As you do, repeat to yourself: I forgive myself.
